


I try my best to smile brightly

by kstarlight



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Han Jisung | Han is a Sweetheart, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Kim Seungmin is sad, M/M, Not really stated but like seungsung kinda, Possible feelings implied, Sadness, seungmin is struggling :(
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:13:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26073208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kstarlight/pseuds/kstarlight
Summary: Seungmin always loves for others to lean on him. But why can he never lean back?
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Kim Seungmin, Han Jisung | Han/Kim Seungmin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 149





	I try my best to smile brightly

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by and written when Streetlight by Changbin/Chan came out. I had it sitting in my drafts but since Seungsung dropped their cover today and I’ve wanted to post for a while it felt like a sign and I decided to finally upload! 
> 
> TW; if you’re easily be effected by mentions of anxiety attacks or lots of crying/breakdowns don’t force yourself to read, personally it can be too much sometimes so I understand! Take care of yourselves!

Seungmin was struggling, but he never recognized his struggles as something worth taking the time to talk about or be helped with in any way. His subconscious told him to suppress the bad feelings for as long as he could withstand them since it couldn't be that bad, right? Surely whatever he felt was not important enough to be a huge deal, compared to all the good things in his life the little inconveniences that some days made him cave seemed so trivial.

Eventually too much time of Seungmin denying himself the ability to express what was really going on inside in his head had passed. He couldn't take it anymore. He always refused to reflect on what was causing him so much anxiety and stress, which only made him spiral into a depressed state, ignoring it was making things worse. He would know right away when he took it too far and then he'd feel afraid, try to hide it more. He became sensitive, his triggers were on overdrive and he was bothered by everything, big or small. 

The members weren't sure wether they should question Seungmin's odd behavior for the last few days. It seemed worth asking if he was okay at least, but every expression of pain they thought they’d seen was flashed out of sight and was replaced with an all too convincing smile on the vocalists face in the next second. There was little room to debate with him because as long as the boy seemed happy they felt relieved and wouldn't want to doubt that he was doing well. They trusted he would be honest if he wasn't. 

However, there were slip ups. Like Seungmin's over-sensitized anxiety causing him to flinch at the sound of the boys voices as they got hyper during practice or when filming, or his eyes losing focus as he zoned out in the middle of a conversation, how reserved he was during schedules or on a day off at the dorm. He was with the group, yet he felt so far away.

By the end of the week Seungmin was mentally, physically and emotionally expanded of all he had left. He was tired of keeping things in, but expressing the truth to any of the members didn't seem like an option, not to him at least. 

He needed to cry more than anything, which was rare as Seungmin didn't often cry, he never really felt the need to let himself get to that point, but these days felt so different. He needed to release the pent up feelings he'd been harboring alone for so long, and the sure way for him to do that was by listening to music, letting the emotions flow. 

He turned in early for bed after a long day, bidding the few members who were home and not at the company a quick goodnight before he could be questioned. He didn't actually go to sleep, instead he laid beneath the covers of his bed and faced the wall, his playlist of soft and sad songs played through his headphones as he drifted in and out of thought. All the useless things on his mind made his emotions fluctuate between states of numbness to unbearable, chest clenching pain.

Seungmin almost managed to cry himself dry in a matter of two hours, and he had never been so thankful the others weren't deciding to go to bed early. If anyone came in and found him this way he'd be so embarrassed. But even after crying he felt bad and despite not wanting to leave the room he couldn't help the sudden urge to move and do something. He couldn't lay in silence with a terrible headache and a face that felt sticky from the salty residue of tears. 

It pained him to get out of bed and force his legs to move through the weighed down feeling of all his emotional baggage. His eyes felt like they'd taken two punches and were swollen shut and irritated, especially by the bright light flooding in from the hallway.

Seungmin made it to the bathroom, avoiding being seen as he swiftly closed the door behind him, resting his back against it with a tired sigh. He shuddered and found his reflection in the mirror over the sink, only to stare at himself blankly. His face was tear stained and flushed, his eyes puffier than he thought possible, and the whites around his irises were bloodshot. Seungmin hated this. He hated falling apart. He felt weak as he took in his appearance, as if reaching his breaking point had made all the difference. He didn't deserve to feel bad, he just couldn't. 

Another sob passed through his lips, making him crumble all over again and fall to the floor. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he couldn't help wondering how it was physically possible to still have enough water left in him to keep crying. His heart was pounding so hard felt each beat reach the base of his throat, choking him up between cries. He didn't feel like he was breathing at all, and any attempt to take a breath was futile. The fight to inhale through strangled sobs and wheezes left him gasping for something stable and calm.

It crossed his mind to get help, to push every ounce of pride he'd built up in all his twenty years and admit to someone for once that he did not feel fine, but only for a moment did it seem considerable. He was independent, always the one for others to lean on not the other way around. He would get through this by himself.

But it was too overwhelming. His lack of oxygen, the darkness enveloping him on the cold tile floor, his vision blurred with warm tears, his hands which felt numb at his side, and his body left trembling. It was hard to focus too much on one thing but he was certain to at least keep as quiet as he could if he didn't want anyone to find him like this.

Amidst the chaos of himself he recognized the sound of footsteps down the hall, and he panicked with the thought that he probably should have locked the door when he came in. Now he was shaken on the floor, too exhausted to even attempt to reach up and twist the lock shut. He wanted to cower in on himself as if it could keep him hidden away from being found, but that took an effort he didn't have left. 

Preoccupied with the worst of his thoughts, he almost didn’t notice the sudden interruption of the bathroom door creaking and the lights flicking on, followed by the soft croak of his name. 

Seungmin whimpered at the intruding senses, and the voice who'd spoken a mere second ago let out a soft gasp as the lights flicked back off. Seungmin wanted to open his mouth and say thank you but he was incapable of getting anything but small whines to leave his lips.

"Seungmin," breathed Jisung, sounding shaky. 

Seungmin whimpered from the familiarity of the voice, it's airy tone floating around him like bittersweet serenity and comfort.

Jisung approached Seungmin, the younger just barely making out the rappers face through his tears, making the older frown.

"Seungmin, can you hear me?" 

He wanted to reply, but he could barely muster a nod of recognition and was basically unresponsive. Jisung seemed to get it, and slowly shuffled closer. 

"Can I hug you, baby? Would that be alright?" 

Seungmin's chest fizzled at the pet name, torn between being comforted or confused and all he could do was sniffle and stare at the older. 

Jisung sighed. "It's okay, Seungmin. You don't have to say anything. Let me hold you?"

Finally, Seungmin found the courage to nod. 

Jisung pulled Seungmin close to him, arms instinctively going around his waist and supporting him tightly. The younger shuddered into the touch as it something that usually would've been a bit awkward, something he'd pretend he hated to be playful, but for now he settled, feeling ultimately grateful for the contact. 

Jisung's hands rubbed circles into his back while he whispered soothing words. Seungmin couldn't decipher a lot of what he said, his mind was running wild off of too many anxiety induced thoughts. But soon he found the courage to act and his arms hesitantly lifted and went around Jisung, not too tight, but strong enough to ensure that the older couldn't exactly escape. Seungmin completely discarded the idea of wanting to be alone, by this point he realized he didn't want that at all. It hurts to be alone. 

Suddenly Jisung moved and repositioned the younger so they were no longer facing one another. Seungmin's back was against Jisung's chest so he could feel the rhythmic beat of the olders heart through his sweater. Jisung clasped his hands over the Seungmin's stomach and the boy brought one of his hands over them. 

"Hey, Minnie, I want you to breathe with me. Can you do that?” Jisung hooked his chin on his shoulder and took a deep breath. “Listen to my breaths and feel my heartbeat. Follow it if you can." 

Seungmin squeezed his hand in understanding, giving him a green light. Jisung managed to smile before inhaling deeply through his mouth and out slowly through his nose, coaching the younger through stability. Seungmin listened to the sound of each exhale as it brushed past his left ear, where Jisung's head rested on his shoulder.

Seungmin tensed as he struggled to space his breaths out, but Jisung held him tighter and rubbed his hands over his stomach to reassure him. 

"In and out. Again. That's it, you're doing so good. You've got it," He praised. Seungmin clung to the reassurance like a light in the dark.

As his breathing pattern started to match Jisung's all the tension he upheld began to drain. The high of anxiety and panic was the only thing really holding him up before, but without it he felt the most drained and defeated he'd ever been. He went lax in Jisung's arms. 

With a less panicked state of mind, despite his unbeatable exhaustion, Seungmin's awareness certainly increased. He was finally able to process Jisung's tenderness— the way he hugged him so tight, how his voice spoke with such softness, how he made he feel safe. He wanted to thank him but didn't trust his voice yet.

They sat silently, breathing calmly, chests rising and falling. Everything was in slow mode. There was something raw and calm about the moment that Seungmin didn't want to let go of yet. Time didn't feel real with Jisung wrapped around him, and his state of being became tranquil, comforted by the physical grounding and affection. 

The mere existence of Jisung to Seungmin was like a lifeline.

Seungmin didn't seem to realize that hot tears were still trickling down his cheeks, at least until Jisung turned him around and frowned once getting a good look at the boys eyes again. He began wiping the wetness away with the pad of his thumb. Seungmin just stared at him, his pouted lips and the concern pooling in his eyes that he couldn't hold back. The vocalists arms haphazardly flailed from his side to wrap around Jisung in desperation, and he buried his face into the crook of the rappers neck. He cringed at the thought of coating the boys shirt in his tears, but Jisung's embrace was as welcoming as ever. 

Jisung held Seungmin and swayed them side to side as he continued to cry, allowing the silence do it's own work. The younger shed what he hoped would be the last of his tears, his head hurt unbearably and his throat felt like it was suffering a drought, he still couldn't comprehend how he had anything left to release. He sniffled as the stream began to slow and lifted his face up enough to rest his chin over Jisung's shoulder. Jisung then pulled them apart but held the younger at arms length, looking over him fondly before he leaned forward to press a kiss to Seungmin's temple. The youngers already red face felt even hotter.

"Something has been bothering you all week, huh?" Jisung whispered.

Seungmin's eyes traveled to the floor, an unspoken confirmation. Jisung resumed their embrace, strumming his hand through the boys ash blond hair as a distraction. 

A few sleepy tears fell from Seungmin's lashes as he blinked. He pulled away again, his breath hitching subtly, though Jisung seemed to notice anyways. 

"You okay?" He cupped Seungmin’s cheek gently.

Seungmin was scared that if he said yes Jisung would leave, but he wouldn't lie. So he nodded and to his immense relief, Jisung didn't go anywhere.

"Thank you."

Jisung blinked dumbfounded, then shook his head to dismiss the appreciation. "You don't need to thank me. You— you were— how could I have left you? You shouldn't have been alone."

Maybe he was right, but it didn't make the younger any less grateful. 

"Yeah but... still," Seungmin huffed, lips almost reaching a smile. The sight made Jisung huff back with ease.

"It's okay," Jisung assured, taking the follow up silence as an opportunity. "Did something happen, or was this just building up? You don't have to tell me, you know, if you're not comfortable, but if it would help I'm right here." Jisung smiled with his offer, and Seungmin thought that he could share everything harbored in his soul if it meant the older would continue to look at him with eyes so full of light and love. 

"I could talk about it," Seungmin considered shakily. "It might help." 

Jisung gave him an encouraging nod and waited, one of his hands finding its way to intertwine their fingers. 

Seungmin inhaled. "I never like to show that things are hard, I mean people usually don't like to show their bad times, but I can't... I can't express myself well sometimes. But I feel overwhelmed by schedules lately because I'm worried I'm not keeping up, and my confidence has been lacking, and I keep panicking over comeback preparations and trying to show my best because just existing... honestly feels exhausting?" Seungmin let out a watery chuckle, but his words made Jisung freeze in worry, gaze flicking up with wariness. 

"It's not a big deal, I promise, but a lot of thoughts are on my mind. I should've talked it out when they were little thoughts and not this huge mess of mixed emotions. I've always felt it was easier to be alone, so I don’t burden anyone else, but I don't know if it is. I couldn't take feeling this way anymore," Seungmin shook his head. "I don't like to be reliant, I like to be relied on. I didn't know how to say something was off until I literally couldn't because I fell apart," He winced, thinking of all the tears that soaked the olders clothes. "I'm really sorry about your shirt."

Jisung's thoughts broke then and he followed Seungmin's gaze down to himself, eyeing his now stained with tears grey shirt.

"That's not important," He shrugged. Seungmin sighed, half convinced. 

Suddenly Jisung was pulling Seungmin in a hug, catching the boy off guard, though his tired mind wasn't going to argue more affection. 

"Thank you for opening up to me," Jisung had a smile on his lips. He knew what to say, he'd had enough of his own anxious breaks that he had an idea of what was actually comforting afterwards. So he made sure to use all that knowledge to his advantage now. He praised Seungmin's willingness to be vulnerable, promising him he was brave and acknowledging the strength he had. It was important to make him to feel more secure with opening up about his struggles.

"I owed you the explanation after you kinda kept me grounded," Seungmin reminded. His eyes met Jisung's, and the intimacy in their gazes made him melt. "So thank you."

Jisung didn't dismiss his gratitude this time, nor did he comment on it. Instead—

"Do you need anything? Water, food, do you want to go to bed—"

"Could you—" Seungmin cut him off, only to bite his lip and backtrack.

"What?" Jisung inched closer, eyes wide and wondrous. Seungmin blushed at the very little space left between their faces.

"I w-want you to stay," He blurted, the tips of his ears turned bright right. "I mean you don't have to stay, I would like it if you did, but— oh god you're probably tired, what am I thinking? I'm sorry I—"

"I'll stay." 

Jisung smiled at the wide eyed stare the boy gave him, like he was quite literally swimming in a haze. 

"O-okay," Seungmin cleared his throat. "I do kind of need water, I think I cried for three hours too many." 

Jisung gasped and reached out to hold the youngers wrists. 

"Three hours?" He gaped. Seungmin grew timid at his shocked expression. Jisung pouted and rose to his feet, keeping one of the boys hands in his own. 

"Come on. We'll get water, maybe food too. Would you like food? It always makes me feel better," Jisung's eyes lit up hopefully, and Seungmin was never able to turn down Jisung.

Jisung led Seungmin to the now empty living room, meaning Jeongin, Hyunjin and Minho at some point must have gone to bed. He made sure the vocalist was comfortable on the couch with a blanket and went off to the kitchen, then came back with a glass of cold water and a tub of cookies Felix recently made, which held way more than enough of the baked treats for them to share.

Seungmin drank his water, rehydrating himself with desperation after so much crying. He nearly finished the whole cup in two sips, but Jisung couldn't blame him. 

They let the silence ease them both as they ate their cookies. Seungmin didn't miss the way Jisung watched him from the corner of his eye the whole time, still seemingly concerned. When they'd had enough treats and Seungmin finished his water, he noticed his mood had significantly lifted, but he was too drained to be grateful for it. He placed his glass on the coffee table and let out an exasperated breath. 

"I really need to sleep,” Seungmin blinked tiredly.

Jisung nodded. "We both need to sleep."

Seungmin's eyes cast a longing look down the hall. He didn't want to go back to his room and feel alone again. Sure, he wouldn't actually be alone, but he wouldn't have Jisung, and that's what made him hesitate. It was quite readable in his face, and he didn't need to say that for Jisung to know.

"We should stay here," Jisung spoke, before finding a comfortable sprawled out position on the couch. "We don't want to wake anyone else and I'd rather stay with you anyways." The unspoken 'to make sure you're okay' didn't need to be said to be understood.

Seungmin's heart soared at the offer, and he agreed before leaning back into the couch himself, apparently too far for Jisung's liking.

"Hey!" Seungmin yelped as Jisung pulled him closer until he was practically on top of him, hugging him impossibly close. 

"I want cuddles," Jisung whined, knowing the younger couldn't argue if he acted pouty and cute enough. Seungmin tried not to think too hard on why his chest felt so warm and tingly and just let his exhaustion relax him, sighing dreamily as tiredness overpowered his thoughts.

Jisung raised his head and glanced down.

"Do you need anything else?" 

Seungmin, in his half coherent state, shook his head. "I have you, I'm okay." 

Jisung smiled. Without a second thought leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Seungmin's head. He felt even fonder when the boy didn't make a dramatic act of being disgusted with the affection like usual, and simply smiled sleepily.

They fell asleep, both in need of the affection and affirmation of each other's presence after such a draining night. And perhaps there was a lot left unsaid, some sort of tension lingering in the air and in their hearts, but Jisung and Seungmin at this very moment didn't care to dwell. They could be happy with just knowing the bond they had would always be there.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please take care of yourselves and do something nice each day, you deserve to be doing well and feeling happy <3


End file.
